


Whipping Boy

by WeirdLittleStories



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: BDSM, Beating, Dom!Kirk, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Flogging, M/M, Spock manages Kirk, Sub!Spock, Submissive Spock, Telepathy, Whipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-22 23:38:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/919379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdLittleStories/pseuds/WeirdLittleStories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim unwillingly reveals sadistic desires, as Spock assures him that it is all completely logical.  Spock allows himself to be used to meet Jim's needs, and the two of them realize just how much love is between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. In this story, James Kirk reveals that he is a sadist. If you do not want to think of Kirk in this way, then you probably should not read this story. But it's not as bad as it sounds, because Spock makes it all logical. ;-)
> 
> 2\. This is definitely the Original Series Kirk and Spock, NOT the reboot Kirk and Spock. The reboot guys have a _very_ different dynamic, and this story would be quite different if it were about them.
> 
> 3\. This story is at least as much about the emotional context as it is about the action, so there's a LOT of dialogue, as the boys talk things over. If you want a story that's mostly action, this is probably not the story for you.
> 
> 4\. I'm temporarily borrowing the Star Trek characters for my own pleasure (and hopefully that of my readers as well); I'm not even pretending to own them.

* * *

 

Spock didn't like it when Jim made too big of a fuss over his birthday, so in the three years that they'd been friends, plus the additional year that they'd been lovers, Kirk had kept the celebration low-key. He made Spock a small, symbolic present, bought him some fresh — not synthesized — fruit, and called it a day.  
  
For this year's birthday gift, he'd made Spock a coupon good for "Anything You Want," which he hoped Spock would use for some interesting sexual favor. Did Vulcans have sexual fantasies, or did they consider them illogical? Or maybe Spock would use the coupon to drag Jim to the kind of museum that he attended only reluctantly. But in any case, it was likely to be more meaningful than anything tangible he could have given Spock, plus Spock still deferred to him too much, even when they were off duty; he wanted to encourage Spock to assert himself more.  
  
Kirk and Spock met in their quarters after their shift was done. Since Spock himself made the duty rosters, he never had his birthday off, though he did sometimes permit himself to spend the day in the lab instead of on the bridge. He seemed to enjoy dinner with his lover, especially the fresh strawberries that Jim had managed to smuggle onto the ship when they'd visited a friendly planet two days before. After dinner, Spock dutifully opened the gaily wrapped gift that Jim handed him, seeming to try harder this year to clamp down on the humoring-the-silly-human attitude as he opened it, perhaps in response to Jim's complaints from the previous year.  
  
Spock looked at the coupon, then at Jim. "This is a human custom with which I am unfamiliar," he said.  
  
"That's because it's not a general human custom," Kirk said. "I want to do something you want, something that I might normally be hesitant about doing, something that's just for you. I think you take my wishes into account a bit too much; you focus too much on pleasing and supporting me even when we're not on duty. For this gift, you're supposed to pick something you want, regardless of how I feel about it. You can drag me to that History of Computing Museum that I never want to go to, or ask me to do something in bed that you think you'll like more than I will, or really, anything, Spock. That's why it says 'Anything' on the certificate."  
  
"Pleasing and supporting you affords me more satisfaction than most other activities," Spock used a teasing tone, but Kirk knew that he meant it. "I assure you that I am entirely selfish when I endeavor to make you happy."  
  
Jim gave Spock his best grin. "Well, then, you can make me happy by being self-focused for once." Jim had been dealing with his Vulcan for awhile now and knew how to phrase things so as to get Spock's compliance. Usually.  
  
"Very well. But do not blame me if I choose something you would rather I had not."  
  
"That's half the point, Spock; that's why it's a present and not just an ordinary request. Pick anything you want, and hold me to it even if I whine."  
  
Spock spent no time thinking, but spoke immediately, suggesting that what he had to say had been on his mind for awhile. "When we meld, several areas of your mind are closed to me. Most of those areas are in locations that suggest one of two things: confidential information from Starfleet, which only the captain may see, or confidences imparted by friends, which should be kept even from one's partner."  
  
"Yes, of course," Kirk said. "We had to prove to Starfleet that I could keep information from you if they sent me something for the captain's eyes only."  
  
"But there is one sealed location that is in the midst of the 'Spock' area of your mind. Everything else in that area is a thought, memory, or feeling about me, which leads me to believe that the sealed area is as well. And Jim..."  Spock looked intently at Kirk.  "Jim, the shield over that area tastes not of needful privacy, as the other shields do, but of shame and fear. I would have no unnecessary secrets between us, nor would I have you feel shame for any reason. I would see what is behind that shield."  
  
Kirk was shocked. He knew Spock's delicacy in all matters pertaining to telepathy, knew that his lover was scrupulous about going only where invited; Kirk had even twitted him gently about his asking permission for everydamnedthing. He had never imagined that Spock would even mention the shielded area of his mind, much less demand to see it as a birthday gift. _B_ _ut I practically ordered him to ask for anything he wanted. And how many people over the years have found it a big mistake to underestimate Mr. Spock?_   he thought to himself.  
  
Kirk gave Spock his best distracting smile and said, "That shielded area isn't anything negative about you. I'm not pretending to be happy with you while hiding fear or anger or dissatisfaction; what's behind that shield is something negative about me. And you don't need to see it."  
  
Dark eyes appraised him coolly. "The surface of the shielded area is in the 'Spock' location in your mind, which was why I felt justified in asking for it, but the area has very deep roots, ones that reach into the bedrock of your psyche. An offshoot from that root also connects to the 'captaincy' area of your mind. Anything that deep that connects those two areas IS my concern."  
  
"Spock, come on, I didn't mean you could ask for this kind of stuff."  
  
"Sir, I would be remiss in my duty as your first officer if I failed to inquire after something that regards your captaincy, plus I believe I was enjoined to 'hold you to it even if you whined.'"  
  
"You're not going to let this go, are you?"  
  
"No, sir, I am not. Shame and fear are destructive emotions, and it is in your best interests for us to eliminate a shield that tastes of them. Once the contents of the shielded area have been probed to my satisfaction, I can assist you in the construction an even more impervious shield if I believe one is required, one that will not taste of shame and fear and that thus will not attract the attention of any telepaths who may wish you harm."  
  
Kirk sighed. "We run into telepathic species far too often for me to be carrying around a place in my mind that practically screams 'Jim's weak point is here.'"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"You think this is in my best interests, don't you?" Kirk said. "You think you're doing this for my own good. I told you to pick something for yourself."  
  
Spock raised a brow. "I admit to considerable curiosity about what you are concealing. And after four years in my company, you should know what a powerful motivator my curiosity can be."  
  
Kirk smiled unwillingly. "Your curiosity should be right up there with electromagnetism, gravitation, and the weak nuclear force as fundamental forces of the universe."  
  
Spock gave him the infinitesimal curve of his lips that was a Vulcan smile. "Really, Jim, that is most kind of you." He looked searchingly at Kirk. "And you will lower that shield? Today? Right now, in fact?"  
  
Kirk spent several seconds looking at Spock's face, so well known, and so beloved, before answering. He spoke softly. "I'm afraid that once you see what's behind it, you won't love me anymore." He paused, then spoke so softly that only a Vulcan's ears could have heard him. "It's bad, Spock. Really bad."  
  
Spock raised a hand and cupped Jim's face gently, a gesture more tender than he usually permitted himself, even after a year of being lovers. "I suspected you would think so, or the shield would not have tasted as it did. But do you not remember, Jim, the transporter accident that divided you into halves? Do you not remember how much of your strength stems from the portions of your personality that the world would judge to be negative? The good side of you guides and uses the negative side of you to accomplish worthy goals. To be a starship captain is a rare and wondrous thing. It requires a force of personality matched by but eleven other people in all the galaxy. Only they are fit to judge you, for I am not."  
  
Kirk sighed and covered Spock's hand with his own. "I've never deserved you, and I never will ... but I'm glad you're here."  
  
They dropped their hands, and Kirk looked up at the taller man. "All right. I'll lower that shield. Come in, then."  
  
Spock laid his fingers lightly on Kirk's face, not speaking. "My mind to your mind" was no longer necessary between them; both familiarity and the mate bond connected them unless they actively shut that connection down. He entered Kirk's mind and spent some time on its surface, soothing the fear and self-doubt that he found there. He intentionally loosened the controls on his own emotions, letting Kirk feel even more of his love and devotion than usual.  
  
When Kirk's mind was relatively calm, he moved to the previously shielded area and touched it, tasting the thoughts and feelings he found there, letting himself assimilate them, adding them to his store of Kirkian knowledge. He spent longer than actually required in order to accomplish these tasks, so that Kirk would know beyond any doubt that Spock had not fled from what he found in his lover's mind, and so that Kirk would have time to adjust to the knowledge that Spock was now aware of what Kirk had been hiding. He showed Kirk his own loosened controls, showed Kirk that his thoughts and feelings contained neither disgust nor disapproval, showed him that he would not have been able to disguise such reactions if he had had them, because of those loosened controls.  
  
Kirk was embarrassed but less than he'd expected to be, because of Spock's gentle delicacy. Spock sent him one more wave of love, then withdrew from his mind, and both men opened their eyes.  
  
"So," Kirk said harshly. "I'm a mean bastard. I like to hurt people, want to hurt them. I want to hurt _you._ "  
  
Spock sighed and gathered the human into his arms. Even now, it was rare for him to initiate such embraces, and Kirk was comforted by it, as Spock meant him to be. Then Spock led Kirk to their bed, efficiently stripped them both, then laid down on his back, pulling Kirk once more into his embrace, Kirk lying on his side with his head pillowed on Spock's shoulder, with his arm draped across Spock's chest. The Vulcan knew that cuddling soothed his mate, so he hastened to provide it. He looked down at the head on his shoulder, stroked his captain's hair and said, "Do you want my analysis?"  
  
Kirk ran his fingers through the hair on Spock's chest, nervously playing with it. He tried to assume more of his usual manner. "I always want your analysis, Spock."  
  
"Your profession — a profession that few can manage at all, and even fewer can manage for long — requires that you use people. You must ask security teams to guard dangerous prisoners or to accompany us on unknown planets, knowing that some of them will not survive. When the ship is damaged, you must ask Engineering personnel to work with dangerous forces, knowing that some of them may be injured. You must order all hands to battle stations without the slightest hesitation, even though you are well aware of what the human cost could be."  
  
"Yes," Kirk said. "I have to be hard, sometimes. But isn't that different from _wanting_ to hurt people? And wanting to hurt you?"  
  
"Your friends are not exempt from the requirement that you use every member of this crew to the best of your and their abilities. You ordered Dr. McCoy to treat the horta, knowing that if you had guessed wrong about its intentions, it would have dissolved him in acid. You must order me to perform mind melds with all manner of aliens, even with computers, knowing that any one of them could be the one that will crush my mind or take me over or drive me insane. And you MUST do all of this. If you become unable to do it, not only is your tenure as captain over, but everyone on the ship will be less safe, with myself or Mr. Scott in the center chair."  
  
"Those things are my duty, and it's true, I do it well. But isn't this different?"  
  
Spock shook his head. "The desire to hurt others that you found in yourself is the underlying fuel that allows you to make hard choices, to order people to possible injury or death. You have harnessed this desire, just as you have all of your other negative qualities, and used it for good; you could not be captain without it."  
  
"But why you? The one who gives me devotion that leaves me breathless -- why would I want to hurt _you_?"  
  
"Are you truly unaware, Jim? Perhaps you have been so dismayed by this side of yourself that you've kept yourself from truly exploring what is there."  
  
"I, yes, I suppose that I have ... shied away ... from this part of my mind. I was afraid that if I paid it any attention, it would grow, that I'd have to ... actually do something."  
  
"Is that what you would tell me, if our positions were reversed? Or, since Vulcan psychology can be different, is that what you would tell McCoy, if he'd confided those same feelings to you?"  
  
"Hell, all surgeons are sadists; everybody knows that. You can't spend half your life cutting people open unless part of you enjoys the blood."  
  
"Yes," Spock said patiently. "But about exploring those feelings. What would you tell McCoy about exploration vs. suppression?"  
  
"Oh." Kirk looked sheepish. "I'm in bad shape when I need a Vulcan to explain human psychology to me. Suppression leads to explosion; exploration leads to saner ways of draining things off."  
  
"This is an especially taboo desire, Jim; it is not surprising that you cope less well with this than with others. But your desire to hurt me in particular is neither distressing nor surprising; I probed that area most carefully while I was in your mind."  
  
"Well, then, _you_ explain it."  
  
Spock stroked his captain's hair gently. "You fear the desire to hurt someone, even as you long to express it. Because that desire has been suppressed for so long, it has considerable force behind it, and part of your fixing upon me as its target is because of Vulcan strength and stamina. You believe that you could cause me much more damage before my health would be endangered, thus making me an especially satisfying outlet for those desires."  
  
Jim looked at him in horror but said nothing.  
  
Spock went on. "But it is not only the force of the desire that makes you turn to me, the notion that — to quote directly from your thoughts — 'the Vulcan can take it.' It is also your fear of this desire that causes you to fasten upon me as its object. You believe that I am the only one who would have any chance of stopping you if you became unable to control yourself. You know that Vulcan strength — even the strength of a severely injured Vulcan — could overpower you, and you believe that I alone have the necessary standing — both personal and professional — to force you to stop if you are unwilling to do so."  
  
Jim exhaled. "I like that part better."  
  
"Of course. And it is a measure of how out of control you are NOT that the wish for extreme expression of this particular desire is completely entwined with the wish for a source of external control over it."  
  
Jim lifted his head from Spock's shoulder and looked closely at his face. "I know that Vulcan control is formidable, but I read you pretty well by now, and you don't seem even slightly upset."  
  
"Quite true. I am not."  
  
"Your lover has fantasies of beating you bloody, and it doesn't upset you at all?"  
  
Spock shook his head. "No. I have admitted to you in the past that I am not as impervious as I appear; you know that I spend time in meditation every day in order to arrange my thoughts and prevent the expression of emotion. But I am not suppressing emotion here. I believe that a certain amount of sadism is as necessary for starship captains as it is for surgeons; the danger lies in repudiating that desire so strongly that it expresses itself in suboptimal ways."  
  
Jim thought. "I can't imagine ever ordering my crew into danger in order to satisfy some perverse desire of my own."  
  
"No," Spock agreed. "You would not. But you might put yourself into danger, danger that was foreseeable and avoidable but that called to this disowned part of yourself."  
  
"You ... do you think I've been doing that?"  
  
"To some extent. The tendency is not yet pronounced, but it has become more so with every year of our mission, in spite of the fact that it would be expected that you would put yourself into _less_ danger as you gained more experience as a starship captain."  
  
Jim groaned. "God, you're right. But what do I do? I'm still a good captain, but I don't want to become more and more reckless every year, until I get us all killed."  
  
Spock raised an eyebrow. "I thought the answer to that question was obvious, Captain. You must own these desires and find a legitimate outlet for them. You must — as you said earlier — 'beat me bloody.'"  
  
"I can't do that! You're not a masochist, so you wouldn't enjoy it. And I love you; I would never want to contaminate our relationship with my twisted perversions."  
  
"You do not actually desire a masochist for this endeavor, because you do not wish for the — I believe the word is 'bottom' — to enjoy the encounter."  
  
"I think there are brothels where you can hire people for this. We'd have to research them, to make sure the workers were there voluntarily, but it's a big galaxy; I'm sure we can find a place."  
  
Spock shook his head. "As the youngest and most photogenic starship captain, you are well known; your face is famous. If you entered a brothel in order to realize these desires, word _would_ get out. The sex worker himself might well contact the news media; the fee for such a story could well enable him to retire. And while I believe you require this component of your personality in order to be the best captain in the fleet, I also believe that Starfleet Command would be less understanding."  
  
Jim snorted. "And that's the truth!" He sobered. "But then, what can I do? Maybe a disguise?"  
  
"Your mind is a good one, and it has already chosen the most logical object for this endeavor."  
  
"You mean you."  
  
"Of course. The one person whose loyalty is unquestionable, whose physical stamina is up to the task, and whose regard for you would ensure that he satisfies this need as willingly as he does your other needs."  
  
Jim squirmed, both aroused and disgusted by the very thought. "But what would it do to us? You're the best thing in my life, the one person I love more than the _Enterprise._ I would rather quit Starfleet than ruin what's between us."  
  
"Performing such activities with you would not undermine my love for you, nor would it it reduce the respect in which I hold you. If anything, it would merely enhance my already high opinion of your bravery. But there is a danger, and that danger is your own emotions. You would have to be able to look at me without guilt afterward, to see my participation as the freely chosen action of an independent adult. If you are unable to do that, then your guilt could undermine our personal relationship."  
  
" _Would_ it be freely chosen? Don't you feel obligated to keep me safe, to keep our crew safe? Don't you feel that you are not just my best choice but basically my only choice?"  
  
"Jim? How many times have I stepped in front of you, to take a hit that was meant for you, one that I could survive better than you could?"  
  
"Too many to count."  
  
"How guilty do you feel afterward?"  
  
Jim caressed Spock's chest as he thought. "I do feel slightly guilty, even now, but I've had four years to come to terms with it. The truth is that you _are_ tougher than I am, physically; you _can_ shrug off things that would incapacitate me. I still don't like it when you do it, but I've made peace with the fact that you're right; it really is better for the ship when you take the hit."  
  
Spock raised an eyebrow. "The exercise is left for the student to complete."  
  
Jim picked up his head and banged it down again on Spock's shoulder. "Damn you, why are you always right?"  
  
Spock wisely did not answer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things I especially love about Spock is his intense loyalty/devotion to his captain. I wanted to give him an unusual or extreme set of circumstances that would allow him to display that devotion to a high degree, which is how this story came about.
> 
> So don't think that I'm beating Spock up because I hate him; I'm beating him up because I love him so MUCH. Just as Jim does. Hmmm... :-)


	2. Instruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock reveals something important about himself, and the two of them digest its implications for them. Then Kirk and Spock agree on what they will do -- and where and when -- in addition to why.

* * *

One week later:  
  
Once again, Kirk and Spock were having dinner together in their quarters, facing each other across the small table. Spock ate with his customary delicate efficiency, but Kirk seemed distracted and pensive, twisting his fork in his pasta without actually lifting it to his mouth.  
  
So Spock was not surprised when Kirk said, "I've been doing some reading ... and some thinking ... about the topic we discussed on your birthday."  
  
"Yes, Jim. I have, as well. Have you come to any conclusions?"  
  
"I've mostly gotten terminology from the reading, though I guess I've also gotten some things to think about. I've been running from this side of myself for so long that I hadn't really _thought_ about it much before."  
  
Spock nodded. "An understandable state of affairs. Your need for physical expression of your desires is not yet so urgent that you cannot take a few weeks to assimilate the new information."  
  
"The things I read tell me that wanting to hurt someone usually goes along with wanting to tie them up or wanting them to kneel and call you 'Master.'"  
  
Spock looked at Kirk consideringly. "From your tone of voice, I gather that this is not the case with you."  
  
"No, it isn't. Tying people up doesn't interest me." He smiled. "And maybe I'd have more interest in having someone call me 'Master' if I didn't already have 429 people calling me 'Captain.'"  
  
"You could well be a dominant but one whose desires in that realm are already fully satisfied."  
  
Kirk chuckled. "Yeah, you could say so. But I'd never really thought about dominance and submission as something two people could do together for fun, and what I'm wondering is ... Spock, your devotion, your deference, your constantly putting my needs before your own ... are you a submissive? Have you been my submissive for the past four years, without either of us realizing it?"  
  
Spock cleared his throat. "You are aware that Ms. Uhura and I had a romantic relationship during the second year of our mission."  
  
"Yes. You've never said much about the details, but I do know that the relationship existed and that you parted on friendly terms."  
  
"I had not shared those details with you because I did not wish to violate Nyota's privacy, but some of them have now become relevant. Jim, for that year, I was Nyota's dominant."  
  
Jim leaned back in his chair. "Her dominant?"  
  
"Only during the erotic games we played together, not full-time. Not '24/7,' I believe is the term."  
  
Jim took a bite of his spaghetti, more at ease now that the focus was on Spock's secrets instead of his own. "And you liked that? Being her dominant wasn't what broke you up?"  
  
Spock's cheeks flushed slightly green. "Being her dominant was the closest I had come to experiencing the emotion of joy, up to that time."  
  
Jim played with his glass of wine, surprised enough that he forgot to drink it. "Then what changed?"  
  
Spock looked at him steadily. "I fell in love with another."  
  
Kirk smiled. "Me? You mean me?"  
  
"I do. My affection for you was apparent to both of us, and Nyota and I agreed that it was time for our relationship to end."  
  
Kirk put down his glass and touched Spock's hand where it lay on the table. "I'm sorry to rob Uhura of you but not sorry that you're mine now."  
  
Spock inclined his head. "Indeed. Nyota's and my time together was pleasant for both of us, but it was a lesser relationship in every respect than the one you and I share."  
  
He sipped his tea, gathered his courage, then added, "And yes, Jim, I am your submissive. I have been aware of it for quite some time but did not wish to burden you with knowledge that you might find irksome. I have never had submissive desires before and expect never to do so again; you are, for me, an exception to every rule."  
  
Jim looked at him intently. "You're a natural dominant except when you're with me."  
  
"Yes, Jim."  
  
"And this doesn't trouble you at all?"  
  
"You recall that I said that being Nyota's dominant was the closest I had ever come to joy, up to that time?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I have since experienced joy, full stop, no qualifications."  
  
"With me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Kirk looked down, touched. "I may be supposed to be the dominant, but I've never felt anything as humbling as having a Vulcan tell me I bring him joy."  
  
Spock serenely took another sip of tea. "Your reaction is part of why you are the only person to whom I could give myself in this way."  
  
"So when you defer to me, when you support me and meet my needs before I've even thought to ask for something, that's not just the first officer role leaking into the personal relationship?"  
  
"No, Jim, it is not."  
  
"If you're trying to do what I want, why haven't you been more assertive when I've asked you to be?"  
  
"You believe that the only appropriate interpersonal relationship is an egalitarian one, so your conscience prompts you to encourage assertiveness on my part. Your reaction to my behavior, however, clearly demonstrates that you prefer me in a deferential role, and I conform myself to your actual wishes instead of to your stated ones."  
  
Kirk laughed. "Managing me! You spend your whole life managing me!"  
  
Spock allowed his eyes to twinkle. "It is no hardship."  
  
"You restrain me from sassing admirals. You nag me about the paperwork. You remind me to sleep when I think I should be on the bridge three shifts in a row."  
  
"You are not the sort of dominant who requires a submissive with neither brain nor will. I could never respect such a person, so the current situation would not arise. You require a submissive who will employ every talent in their repertoire to improve the functioning of the _Enterprise_."  
  
"Not to improve my own life, but to make things right on the _Enterprise?_ "  
  
Spock raised a brow. "You seek to test me? I did not jettison my capacity for observation when I took on the submissive role. The optimum functioning of the _Enterprise_ IS your life." He paused. "As you are mine."  
  
Kirk clenched a fist. "Spock, I don't deserve that. No one does!"  
  
"It is not about what you deserve but about what I wish to give you. Not that you are undeserving — not at all — but it is my own psyche that provides the impetus for my submission to you."  
  
Kirk relaxed slightly. "This is much more about who you are when you're with me than it is about what I ask of you or what I deserve."  
  
Spock nodded placidly. "As you say."  
  
Kirk chuckled. "If anyone had told me that I'd be discussing a highly emotional topic with a Vulcan, and that _I'd_ be the uncomfortable one while the Vulcan radiated joyful serenity all over the room, I'd have told them they were drunk."  
  
"I had not wished to burden you with the knowledge of my reaction to you, but I am pleased that I no longer need to conceal it."  
  
Jim looked down, then back up again. "This is part of why, isn't it? Why you can think about letting me hurt you without getting upset?"  
  
Spock inclined his head. "Exactly so. The satisfaction of this particular need should vastly decrease your feelings of agitation. There is little that I would not do in order to accomplish that goal."  
  
"And you won't enjoy the pain, but you'll feel ... useful? Important? Necessary?"  
  
"I will feel the glow of satisfaction that I always feel when I meet your needs in a way that no one else can do."  
  
Kirk felt so touched by what he was being offered that he had to try for lightness. "You'll feel Vulcanly smug at being better than everyone else AGAIN."  
  
To hide the smile that threatened to manifest itself, Spock took an unnecessary sip of tea.  
  
"All right," Kirk said. "Let's plan, then. We know who. We still need to figure out the what, the when, and the where."  
  
"I have already given some thought to this, if you are agreeable," Spock said.  
  
Kirk motioned with his hand. "Let's hear it."  
  
"The ship will be in dry dock for upgrades beginning one month from today. Mr. Scott will manage the work on the ship's engines, and you or I can provide what little oversight he requires via a daily check-in by communicator. The upgrades are projected to take ten days to implement, giving us ample time for a week's shore leave."  
  
"Yes, I'd already planned to give shore leave to everyone but Scotty. He deserves it, too, but I know he won't leave while the upgrade team is at his engines."  
  
"Indeed not." Spock handed Kirk a PADD with a map of the area around the upgrade facility. "There are three planets that are close enough to the upgrade facility for shore leave to be practical. Fornax features a large number of restaurants, entertainment establishments, and markets, and it is where the majority of the crew is likely to go. Bellona is renowned for its natural beauty, and those who desire rest rather than recreation will go there. Porrima caters to those who desire quiet contemplation. It not generally a tourist destination, more of a meditation retreat, but it is possible to rent a small hut that is separated by many kilometers from all other habitation."  
  
"So we could be alone, and we wouldn't run into any of the crew, or anybody else, it sounds like."  
  
"Yes. Not only would we be physically isolated; we would be aurally isolated, as well."  
  
Kirk swallowed. "Are you saying that no one could hear you scream?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"But, Spock, you _don't_ scream. I've seen you injured a hundred times; I saw the parasite on Deneva push your pain levels to the maximum your system could register, and you barely twitched."  
  
"I chose not to scream, because screaming is incompatible with Vulcan standards of conduct. During the Deneva incident, I chose to sever the connection between physical sensations of pain and the registration of those sensations in my awareness. I do this under most injurious circumstances so that I can continue to function, but those things ARE choices. When you desire my pain, I will choose differently."  
  
Kirk caught his breath, rocked by the magnitude of what he was being offered. The only person he knew who could deliberately choose _not_ to feel pain would instead choose to feel it. For him. It would be easy to let himself slide into guilt and feelings of unworthiness, but they'd already had that conversation. His crew needed him to get this part of himself under control, and Spock had convinced him that the only way to control it was to deliberately give it periodic expression. Guilt was a luxury he couldn't afford.  
  
Spock watched the play of emotions over Kirk's expressive face, concerned at first that he may have handed Jim more than he could handle. Then he saw Jim's face take on that familiar expression of Kirkian resolve and knew that they had won this round. He waited for Jim to settle himself, then spoke. "Do the time and location meet with your approval?"  
  
"Yes. Well-planned, as always, Spock."  
  
Spock inclined his head. "Thank you. I will make reservations on Porrima for one month hence."  
  
Jim said, "So, we're left with the what. I've been researching ways of causing pain that don't cause damage."  
  
Spock shook his head. "That will not do."  
  
"What? What do you mean?"  
  
"Jim, I explored this area of your mind thoroughly. It contained a large number of mental images of the things you wish to do. All of those images featured rivulets of green blood."  
  
Kirk winced and looked away, then took a deep breath and looked back at Spock. "Well, but I've been reading, and the experts all make a big distinction between the things that people fantasize about and the things they actually do. They say it's very common to think about things that are more extreme — even much more extreme — than the things those people really want to do. Just because something's in my mind doesn't mean that I should do it, doesn't even mean that I really _want_ to do it."  
  
"I agree that we should not perform the most extreme activities your mind can visualize. But if we examine even the mildest of the images in your mind, they feature not just pain but also damage. You differ from most recreational practitioners of BDSM in that your professional subordinates frequently suffer physical injuries as a result of your orders. In order to be able to tolerate continuing to give similar orders, your mind has a safety valve: you can eroticize such damage. This is a good thing, Jim, lest your mind break under the pressure."  
  
Kirk looked angry. "I don't get off on it when my crew gets hurt!"  
  
Spock covered Kirk's hand with his own. "I did not say that, nor did I mean it. Perhaps I have been unclear. It is not that you eroticize your crew's injuries. Rather, it is the fact that you are _capable_ of eroticizing injury that allows you to _tolerate_ the crew's injuries. You feel great dismay when the crew is injured, but the safety valve of eroticism allows you to treat injuries as the price we must pay for the dangerous work that we do."  
  
Kirk blew out a breath. "It makes sense when you say it, but it's a hell of a thing to find in myself."  
  
"Of course. If you accepted such a desire without qualms, then it would be cause for worry. Your very distress is evidence that you pose no threat to those under your command."  
  
Kirk looked at him sadly. "Except you."  
  
Spock shook his head. "You do not threaten me in any way that matters. Contusions and surface lacerations would be a small price to pay for either your pleasure or your continued ability to function as captain; since our activities should ensure both of those outcomes, the cost to me is completely trivial."  
  
Kirk smiled. "Spock, you're a man and a half."  
  
Spock judged it was time for the lightness that his purported failure to understand English idioms always produced. "'A man and a half,' Captain? You are not so innumerate."  
  
Kirk chuckled, tension somewhat relieved, and Spock thought that Jim was ready for what he had to say next. "When using implements on human flesh, or even Vulcan flesh, it is advisable to practice with those implements on an inanimate object first, in order to perfect one's aim."  
  
Kirk frowned. "You're right, and a month isn't that much time, so I should start practicing soon. But it'll be awhile before we're at the kind of place where I could buy something like that at all, much less buy it anonymously."  
  
Spock cleared his throat. "I anticipated this difficulty and have already procured a small selection of implements for you, using the anonymous account I have had for some time."  
  
"Anticipating my needs and fulfilling them before I even realize I have them. You've been doing this for years now; how come I never realized what was going on before?"  
  
"Until I forced the issue, you were actively avoiding looking at this facet of your personality."  
  
"Okay, there is that. But it's so ... obvious."  
  
"My position as first officer requires that I fulfill a similar function professionally, which gave me plausible deniability with respect to our personal relationship."  
  
"And wait — YOU have an anonymous credit account? I know they're not illegal, but you're so by-the-book that I'm surprised you have one."  
  
"A number of our past adventures convinced me that a situation could arise where I would have access neither to my own body nor to the resources its identity provides me."  
  
"Sargon and Henoch. Janice Lester."  
  
"Among others. I decided it would be wise to have a portion of my resources available via a memorized code number, rather than through a retina scan or voice print, should I ever be required to permanently inhabit a body not my own."  
  
Kirk laughed and shook his head. "You're always three steps ahead of everyone else; I guess that's why you're the _Enterprise's_ chess master."  
  
"Passing much of the night in meditation does permit consideration of many alternative courses of action."  
  
"All right." Kirk stood up from the table and walked to the open area of the room. "I've stalled long enough. Suppose you show me these 'implements' you've bought us."  
  
Spock rose and walked to his dresser, fetching a bundle wrapped in cloth from the bottom drawer. He walked back to Kirk and said, "I believe they are commonly referred to as 'toys,' if you prefer that nomenclature."  
  
Kirk was now all the steely captain, his previous qualms no longer visible. "I would prefer it only because it minimizes the effect they'll have on you, and I don't want to hide behind that. 'Implement' will do.  Let's see 'em."  
  
Spock unwrapped the bundle and placed it on the table, then withdrew something from it. He turned and handed the captain a dark blue flogger consisting of a dozen flat rubber tails attached to a handle. "This is called a 'flogger,'" he said. "They are commonly made of leather, but I preferred not to purchase an implement created from animal hide, and according to my reading, rubber is both more painful and easier to clean."  
  
"I know you're a vegetarian; I didn't know that leather was also against your principles."  
  
"I use leather when it is absolutely necessary, but that is not the case here." He pointed to the flogger. "The technical term for each tail of a flogger is 'tress.' Rubber tresses, as I said, are reputed to be more painful than leather ones. The shape of the tresses also matters; flat ones are less painful than square ones, and braided ones are more painful still. Wielders commonly test a new flogger by striking the inside of their forearms to get a sense of what sort of stimulation the implement provides."  
  
"Back off a little, then."  
  
Spock moved to the other end of the room, and Kirk grabbed the flogger by its handle and whacked the inner side of his forearm with it. He drew in his breath in a hiss. "Holy shit, that stings."  
  
Spock nodded. "That IS its purpose." He gestured slightly towards the bundle on the table. "I can show you how to properly wield a flogger on another individual later, but I have additional implements for you."  
  
Kirk put the flat-tailed rubber flogger on his chair. "Okay, what else?"  
  
Spock pulled another flogger from the small bundle; this one was very similar to the first, except its tails were braided, and it was red. "As you can see, this one has braided tresses. In addition to inflicting more pain, braided tresses will also inflict more damage. It is very difficult NOT to inflict bruises with this configuration, and breaking the skin is not uncommon if the flogger is swung with more than minimal force. I selected different colors for the two implements so that the difference between them would be discernible at a glance."  
  
The temperature of the room had not changed, but Kirk was sweating. Spock eyed him with some concern, then took a deeper than usual breath. Ah. The smell of arousal. Kirk was not upset, then; he could continue. "Would you like to test this one, as well?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I'd better. Give me some space."  
  
Spock backed off again, and Kirk swung the braided flogger at his arm. His gasp was louder this time around, and he said, "Jesus. And that's maybe half strength, from just a short distance." He put the red flogger on top of the blue one.  
  
"Yes," Spock said calmly. "It will be extremely painful when used normally." He moved back to the table and took another flogger from the bundle, then showed it to Kirk. It was a miniature version of the flogger Kirk had just tested, a tiny braided flogger with tresses only ten centimeters long.  
  
Kirk laughed. "What's this? Did it shrink in the wash? This looks a lot less intimidating."  
  
Spock repressed a smile and contented himself with raising an eyebrow. "Perhaps it will appear more so when I tell you that the nickname for this style of implement is 'penis whip.'"  
  
Kirk sobered. "You're kidding."  
  
"I am not."  
  
Kirk took the small flogger from Spock's hand and examined it. "Are you telling me that I should use this on your cock?"  
  
Spock matched his phrasing deliberately. "Are you telling me that you do not want to?"  
  
Kirk closed his eyes and just breathed for a moment.  
  
"I did say that I had explored that area of your mind most thoroughly."  
  
Kirk opened his eyes and looked up at his lover, then let the small flogger fall to the floor. "Spock," he said.  
  
Spock wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. "It is all right, Jim. Truly. It is all right."  
  
Kirk pressed his face into Spock's neck and allowed himself to be soothed. "Sometimes I can't believe how much you love me."  
  
"A Vulcan's love is slow to develop, but once it exists, it is fierce."  
  
Kirk laughed. "Got that right." He squeezed Spock, then stepped back. He leaned over and picked up the small flogger from the floor. "I'll try this on my _arm,_ if you don't mind."  
  
Spock clasped his arms behind his back and put on the not-quite-poker face that he knew amused Jim. "As you wish."  
  
Kirk swung the tiny flogger at his arm with full force, then stared at his arm in disbelief, whistling through his teeth. "That ... packs more of a wallop than I expected."  
  
Spock shook his head. "Elementary physics, Jim. Just because this is a new field of endeavor for you, it does not mean that your prior knowledge is irrelevant. If you concentrate an equal amount of force over a smaller area, what happens?"  
  
Kirk sighed. "You're right. I've been letting my anxiety override my good sense." He shook himself. "All right. I'm back." He laid the penis whip on his chair with the other floggers.  
  
Spock removed the last item from the bundle and handed it to Kirk. "This is a cane. As you can see, it is long and thin, and if we remember our elementary physics ..." He raised a teasing eyebrow.  
  
"It will hurt like a motherfucker," Kirk said.  
  
"Colorfully put but essentially correct. It is most commonly used on the buttocks, though it is possible to use it on any part of the body where vital organs are not too near the surface."  
  
"You said you could show me how to use these things. How did _you_ learn how to use them?"  
  
"I watched instructional videos until I understood the procedure, then practiced on a pillow in my quarters before attempting to use similar — but far less intense — objects on Nyota. Trial and error caused me to refine my technique, though it is still similar enough to the technique in the videos that they would be adequate if you would prefer them to personal instruction."  
  
"I would, yeah. You've done a lot already, and I want to do some of this on my own. It just feels off, somehow, to have you teach me how to hit you."  
  
Spock inclined his head. "As you say."  
  
Kirk put the cane back on the table. "Spock, you've been great about all of this, more than great, but I feel the need to reconnect with you in a purely romantic way. No roles, no pain, no rank, just us."  
  
"That would be most welcome."  
  
And the human showed the Vulcan that tenderly was also a good way to love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had thought that the scene would begin in this chapter, but it turned out they had a lot more they needed to talk about. Next time, I promise. :-)


	3. The Beating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim beats Spock and comes to several important realizations about himself, Spock, and their relationship.  
> 
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a description of a fairly intense flogging. If this would upset you, now is the time to move on to another story. ;-)

* * *

One month later  
  
From a distance of 20,000 kilometers, the planet of Porrima was a swirl of green and blue, seeming all ocean and forest. As the shuttlecraft descended, it became apparent that there were occasional clearings in the forests, but the land was still as thickly forested as any Kirk and Spock had ever seen. When they got close to the surface, the blur of green resolved into spiky coniferous forest: cool, peaceful, and still.  
  
Kirk piloted the shuttlecraft _Copernicus_ to the coordinates Spock had given him, setting it down in a clearing near the hut they'd rented. As they gathered their luggage from the back of the shuttle, Spock said, "Because Porrima is a meditation retreat, the dwellings are manually constructed, and every hut is unique. There was but a single hut with a stanchion supporting the ceiling in the center of the main room, which I decided would be ideal for our purposes."  
  
Kirk stilled for a moment, not sure whether to be amused or appalled. He decided to go for amused. He resumed collecting his half of the luggage. "Spock, are you telling me that you've rented the one cabin on all of Porrima that comes complete with _its own whipping post?"_  
  
Spock gave Kirk his Vulcanly amused look. "Affirmative. It is unnecessary to secure me to it, but its physical support may prove beneficial."  
  
"Some dinner would be beneficial right now, so let's get inside. You said you'd ordered supplies?"  
  
"Some of those who visit this world for quiet contemplation prefer to spend as little time as possible on mundane tasks, so our hut is equipped with a food synthesizer, in spite of the fact that it is otherwise somewhat primitive. Others, however, believe that performing mundane tasks has a grounding effect, so there are also modest kitchen facilities. We can cook or employ the synthesizer, as you wish."  
  
"A whipping post AND a food synthesizer. Y'know, there are days when I think you're so prepared you could whip an extra shuttlecraft out of your back pocket."  
  
That earned him an eyebrow. "Jim, conservation of mass would dictate..."  
  
"Don't even start; I _know_ you know I'm joking. Come on, I want some dinner."  
  
The interior of the hut was constructed entirely of local wood and consisted of three rooms: a large main room and a small bedroom and bathroom. The walls were planed but not sanded or finished; the floor, however, was both sanded and varnished. As Spock had said, a round pole in the center of the main room helped to hold up the ceiling; the pole had clearly once been a tree, the bark and branches removed and the surface slightly smoothed.  
  
The main room had a kitchen alcove and small table with chairs on the wall to the left of the front door, a fireplace and seating area on the wall opposite the door, and doors to the bedroom and bathroom on the wall to the right of the front door. Two long, rustic benches on either side of the front door completed the main room's furnishings. One of the benches held candles, mats, and other meditation aids; the other was empty.  
  
After dinner, Kirk unpacked his duffel bag while Spock cleaned up after the meal. Kirk spread the floggers and cane that Spock had given him on the empty bench and turned to Spock. "I've been practicing, and my aim is pretty good now. I won't ... hit anything but what I'm aiming at."  
  
Spock inclined his head. "Of course. I have an additional implement for you, and you may wish to spend some time becoming accustomed to it."  
  
"Another toy? But we haven't been to any place that has even a basic market in the past month."  
  
"This implement is of my own construction."  
  
"You MADE it?"  
  
"Affirmative. The _Enterprise's_ scientific experiments frequently require the construction of novel equipment, so our laboratories contain a variety of tools and raw materials, specifically to facilitate the assembly of such equipment." Spock looked at him. "You know this."  
  
Kirk ran a hand through his hair, then grinned. "I knew you could make a mnemonic memory circuit out of stone knives and bear skins, so I guess I should have known that you could make this, but I guess it just seemed ... different."  
  
Spock looked pleased, in his low-key way. "The implements sold for recreational practitioners of BDSM are intended to minimize physical damage, but as we discussed previously, you require a certain amount of damage for optimal satisfaction. I judged that a more injurious implement would be desirable, and as one was not commercially available, I constructed it myself."  
  
Kirk cocked his head. "If we're not 'recreational' practitioners, what are we, then?"  
  
Spock clasped his hands behind his back and gazed steadily at his captain. "I believe our proposed course of action could be termed 'therapeutic.'"  
  
Kirk laughed. "'Therapeutic.' I guess you're right. Okay, let's see it. What's the new one like?"  
  
Spock walked over to his duffel bag and took something out of it, then returned to Jim. "I used the construction of the other floggers as a pattern, so this is similar in overall design but differs in detail."  
  
Kirk looked at the flogger. "It's black."  
  
"The laboratory's rubber supplies are of a purely utilitarian hue."  
  
Kirk looked more closely. "And it has big knots on the end of every tress."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Kirk swallowed. "Won't that ... really tear up your skin?"  
  
"That is their intended purpose, yes."  
  
"Spock, this isn't a toy, it's a _weapon._ "  
  
"It is an implement that is suited to our purpose," Spock said calmly.  
  
"Because you saw — how did you put it? — 'rivulets of green blood' in my mind."  
  
Dark eyes stared into hazel ones as Spock spoke fiercely. "It is _your_ mind; examine it!" Long, slender fingers seized a stocky golden wrist and squeezed hard. "You have no more time for avoidance; we are on Porrima now. Will you examine your own mind, or must I use a meld to force you to see what is there?"  
  
Kirk took a deep breath, tempted to ratchet up his intensity to meet the other man's, then purposely relaxed, intentionally trying for lightness. "I think maybe I'm seeing a side of you that only Nyota's seen before."  
  
Spock dropped both Kirk's wrist and his own eyes and took a step backwards. He visibly schooled his face to blankness, then looked at Kirk. "I ... regret my intensity. It is not my place to conduct myself in such a fashion."  
  
Kirk opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. "Wait a minute! You _never_ lose control. And you always plan six steps ahead." He looked at Spock and considered the slight stageiness of what his lover had just done, then pointed at him. "You're trying to rile me up, to push me until I push back, to give me an excuse."  
  
Spock's lips twitched. "You know me too well."  
  
Kirk laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You don't have to do that, Spock. I'm on board with the program. I'm going to beat the shit out of you, but not until tomorrow. Tonight we'll rest up from the trip, I'll practice with the new toy, and we'll make love and act like the lovers we are. Okay?"  
  
Spock nodded. "A worthy plan."  
  
*******  
  
The next morning, Kirk opened his eyes to see Spock clad in a black meditation robe, sitting up in bed reading a technical journal. Jim smiled sleepily at his lover and asked "Sleep well?"  
  
"Quite well, thank you, Jim. And you?"  
  
Kirk yawned. "Better than usual. Something about knowing there's no chance of a red alert seems to agree with me. Have you had breakfast?"  
  
Spock shook his head. "I will not breakfast until you have finished beating me. Intense pain can lead to nausea, as can blood loss, so it would be unwise to eat until afterward."  
  
"Y'know, I'm not sure if it's disconcerting or reassuring that you can be so matter-of-fact about all of this."  
  
Spock looked at him consideringly. "It is reassuring. You desire only pain, not fear, and if I responded to the situation as a human would, you would be far more disconcerted than you are now."  
  
Kirk sighed, then chuckled. "Right again, Spock. Kiss me?"  
  
Spock leaned over and kissed him, gradually sliding down to a more comfortable position. Eventually Kirk broke away from the kiss. "I could kiss you all day, but I guess we have things to do."  
  
"Indeed. And although I will breakfast later, you need not wait to join me."  
  
"No." Kirk flashed him a mischievous grin. "After all, I need to keep my strength up."  
  
Spock was relieved that Kirk seemed to have made enough peace with the situation to joke about it. Truly, his beloved was a brave man.  
  
They both got out of bed, and Kirk pulled on the sweatpants he usually used for working out, while Spock made the bed. They moved from the bedroom into the main room, and Kirk scrambled himself some real eggs in the kitchen alcove while Spock read his technical journal at the table.  
  
When Jim sat down to eat his breakfast, Spock laid the journal aside and stood up. "I will need to meditate for approximately thirty minutes, in order to ... loosen the controls that ... normally keep me from crying out."  
  
Kirk put down his fork and looked at his lover. "Your voice wasn't rock steady that time. You talked about blood loss the way most people talk about the weather, but this ... loosening your controls scares you, doesn't it?"  
  
Spock stood stiffly, looking slightly to one side. "It is a difficult thing for any Vulcan."  
  
"And you've had to prove, your whole life, that you _are_ Vulcan, haven't you? I remember the scorn in T'Pau's voice when she asked you if you were human; she might as well have asked if you were stinking garbage."  
  
Spock looked at Jim, his face still mostly impassive but sadness visible in his eyes. "Yes. You think suffering pain is my gift to you, but this ... this loosening of my controls is the real gift. No amount of pain you could inflict would be as difficult to bear."  
  
Kirk opened his mouth to speak and Spock shook his head. "Please. Do not speak. I must restore my equilibrium." Kirk nodded and Spock turned away. He walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him, and Kirk raised a forkful of egg to his mouth and chewed, thinking hard.  
  
Half an hour later, Jim had just finished cleaning up after his breakfast when Spock opened the door of the bedroom and walked into the main room. Kirk was happy to see that his lover seemed calm and serene again; it was clear that the meditation had done more than just loosen Spock's control over his ability to feel pain.  
  
Spock came to stand in front of Jim. "Captain," he said.  
  
Kirk wondered at first why Spock was using his title instead of his name, then realized that Spock needed to be at his most submissive in order to take a serious beating at Kirk's hands, and using the title was a part of that mindset. Kirk didn't have much experience with playing at domination, but he had a lot of experience with actually being in charge, so he deliberately put on his most captainly manner and said, "I think we're both ready, so let's get started. Take off your meditation robe and put it on the bench with the candles. Stand facing the pole and put your arms around it. Don't let go of the pole until I say you can."  
  
Kirk saw a minute easing of Spock's stiffness and realized that his lover was relieved that he had understood things well enough to give Spock orders. "Acknowledged," Spock said.  
  
Spock removed his robe, folded it, and placed it on the bench, then walked gracefully to the pole in the center of the room. Facing it, he moved close enough to lean his body against it, though still with most of his weight on his feet. He wrapped his arms around the pole and rested his head against it.  
  
Kirk stood directly behind Spock and just looked at his lover for a moment. Only Spock could stand naked in a rude hut, leaning against a rough tree, and look as serene and dignified as the most high-level ambassador in the fanciest clothes money could buy. This being was _his_ submissive? This being deferred to _him_? In what universe did that make sense? And yet ... Spock said it made him happy. He actually used the word "joy." Jim shook his head. The universe was a whimsical place.  
  
Kirk pulled himself back from his ruminations and began to run his hands over his lover, caressing him lightly. Spock turned his head to the side, enough so that he could see Jim, and quirked an eyebrow.  
  
Kirk understood the implied question. "Don't worry, I'll beat you soon enough. But even after a year of being lovers, I can never see you naked without wanting to put my hands on you. I don't know if it's because I love you that much or if it's because you're just _that_ beautiful, but it's like you're a magnet, and I'm pulled toward you without even thinking about it."  
  
"Your form produces a similar reaction in me."  
  
Kirk smiled as he continued to run his hands over Spock. "But there's something else, too. You've never stopped me from doing anything I wanted in bed, but I've always had a line I wouldn't cross with you. And now that line is gone, and I find that my hands want to reclaim you — possess you, even — and I need to touch you to say ..." Kirk dropped the playful tone he'd been using, as his voice suddenly became deeper and more intense, almost a growl, "This is _mine,_ and I can do whatever I want to it."  
  
Spock shuddered, and Kirk felt a thrill go through him at this reaction. Maybe Spock didn't like pain, but he liked something that Kirk had just said, something about being possessed or being at Kirk's mercy, and Jim felt his anxiety ease. Spock would get something out of this. Being at Kirk's mercy would satisfy something in him, and Kirk hadn't realized just how important that was to him until he had it. He blew out a breath, then spoke directly into a pointed ear. "I've always been able to do whatever I wanted to you, haven't I, and I just didn't realize it before? But I realize it now, Spock, and you're in trouble now."  
  
Spock's eyes met his, and he'd never seen those eyes look so dark. Spock looked at him as if he were the source of light and air, and Jim swallowed as he realized that Spock wasn't going to joke back, that Spock was allowing himself to go into a more deeply submissive state than ever before. Kirk decided not to try to lighten the moment; if Spock needed to feel deeply submissive in order to suffer at Jim's hands, then he should do what he could to encourage it.  
  
Kirk ran his hands over Spock's body again, stroking more firmly this time, grabbing handfuls of flesh in the few places where Spock's sparse flesh was graspable and squeezing it firmly. He followed up by raking his nails down Spock from the back of his neck to the back of his thigh, growling "Mine!" into Spock's ear and delighting in the shudder Spock gave him.  
  
He returned his hands to the top of Spock's back, and this time he dug his nails in as hard as he could, raking them down Spock's back, ass, and thighs while the fierce, feral feeling of his own sadism welled up inside him. Green trails marked where he'd scratched his lover, and the sight made him long for more.  
  
Kirk took the dark blue, flat-tailed flogger from the bench, then turned back to his lover. He raised the flogger and brought it down smartly on Spock's back, and Spock flinched at the blow on his scratched skin but did not cry out. Kirk continued beating him slowly, watching Spock's reaction after every strike. After twenty blows, Kirk said, "I thought you were planning to scream for me."  
  
Spock turned his head and looked at Jim over his shoulder. "I will scream when you make me scream, but I will not do so lightly; you will have to earn it."  
  
"Damn you!" Jim said. "You're still managing me. Let go, already. I'll manage the damned beating! Just feel."  
  
Dark eyes gazed at him calmly. "It was not defiance when I stated that you would have to work for my screams; I was merely reporting a fact. Such is my nature; do what you must to get what you need."  
  
"Turn your head back to the pole," Jim ordered. "I don't think a stray tress will go up that far, but I don't want to bet your eyes on my aim if I screw up."  
  
Spock realigned his head and rested his forehead against the pole. Jim returned the blue flogger to the bench and picked up the red braided flogger. He brought it down sharply on Spock's back and was rewarded with an audible hiss. He spread the blows across the top of Spock's back, each one harder than the last, and the audible hissing after every blow escalated.  
  
Jim raised the flogger over his head and brought it down with all his strength, and Spock gave a strangled grunt. Kirk beat his lover slowly but very hard, over and over again, watching as bruises bloomed on the pale back, listening as the grunts got louder and more vocal. The flogger felt good in his hand, and Spock's grunts made him want more.  
  
He'd always felt terrible, even been frantic, when Spock was injured on a mission, but looking at the bruises he'd put on his lover's body made him hard. God help him, but it did. He realized that he wasn't just enjoying causing Spock pain — though he was — he was also enjoying the fact that Spock was so much his that he could do this to him, that Spock would do anything he wanted, take anything he chose to dish out. Spock had told Jim that he preferred Spock in a deferential role, and he'd brushed the idea aside, but he couldn't deny it now; he loved it that Spock was his, not just his lover but his creature, his submissive, almost his possession. The bruises weren't just marks of pain; they were marks of ownership, and the sight of them on his lover's body was unexpectedly satisfying.  
  
Kirk paused and let Spock rest for a moment, looking at the bruises and realizing that Spock was right, as always, and he wanted more. He returned the red braided flogger to the bench and picked up the black, knotted flogger that Spock had made. He'd practiced with it last night, and Spock had done an excellent job of making it as much like the others as possible, so that his practice with them would enable him to use this one with a similar level of skill.  
  
Kirk swung the knotted flogger at his lover's scratched and bruised back, hitting only moderately hard until he saw what the flogger would do when it met flesh. The knots sank in slightly when they met Spock's flesh, peppering his back with a dozen small, deep bruises. Spock moaned. Kirk brought the flogger down again, just slightly harder, and was rewarded with more bruises and a louder moan. He fought himself to continue escalating slowly and gradually, seeing what the effects would be before increasing the force, even as part of him demanded that he beat Spock as hard as he could and watch the blood run.  
  
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment, and Spock, with his preternatural attunement to him, clearly knew what Kirk was struggling with, because he murmured hoarsely, "I'm yours. Take what you wish."  
  
Hearing Spock's voice had the opposite effect to what the Vulcan had intended, grounding Kirk in his love for Spock and making it easier to rein in his sadism and let it out in controlled, gradual increments. Kirk raised the black flogger again and brought it down on Spock's back only slightly harder than before, as Spock moaned with more voice. Kirk continued beating his lover, each blow harder than the last, each moan louder than the last, as the beloved back before him became ever more thoroughly bruised.  
  
Finally Kirk raised the knotted flogger and brought it down full force, and the knots bit deeply into Spock's flesh and ripped it as Kirk pulled the flogger away. Spock gave a small scream. Kirk felt his face spread in a feral grin as he swung the flogger at his lover again, feeling a rush of energy as the whip made contact, feeling a strange exultation as Spock screamed and bled.  
  
"Again" was the one thought in his mind, and he gave himself over to the strange, brutal joy of beating his lover with all his strength, watching Spock bleed and hearing him scream, and knowing that it was good, that he needed this, that Spock's priceless devotion would give him this and more than this, and he could be all that he was, without fear or judgment.  
  
Spock had seen "The Vulcan can take it" in his mind, and he was grateful once again for Vulcan stamina as he allowed himself to really take what Spock was offering, allowed himself to give him a beating made all the more brutal by the length of time that it had been held back. As the fierce, feral joy rose higher and higher, Kirk realized that his love for Spock was rising ever higher as well. Outsiders might see this beating as somehow degrading his lover, but Jim saw clearly how much it demonstrated Spock's essential nobility and largeness of spirit, how much it showed the love and trust between the two of them.  
  
Kirk beat Spock for several minutes, reveling in the screams that grew louder with every blow, watching the green blood trickle down the ravaged back. Eventually the focus of his desires changed, and he laid the knotted flogger on the bench. "Let go of the pole and turn around and face me," he said.  
  
Spock released his grip on the pole and turned. His face was flushed noticeably green, his eyes unfocused.  
  
"Put your arms behind you and grab hold of the pole for balance," Kirk said.  
  
Spock did as he directed, leaning his head back and resting it against the pole but clearly keeping some space between the pole and his beaten back. Kirk glanced down and saw that his lover was partially erect. It seemed that Spock disliked pain enough that he was not fully erect, but the intensely submissive experience was arousing enough for him that he was partially so. Kirk made a mental note for future encounters.  
  
Jim dropped to his knees and took his lover's cock in his mouth, sucking it the way Spock liked best, and it took very little time before Spock was as hard as Jim was himself. Once Spock was fully erect, Kirk fetched the small braided flogger that Spock had told him was called a "penis whip" and struck his lover's cock with it. Spock whimpered. Kirk swung the small flogger harder, and the braiding tore the delicate penile skin, causing a small amount of green blood to trickle down Spock's cock. Jim drew in an audible breath at the sight, even as Spock whimpered more loudly.  
  
Kirk hit Spock's penis three more times, making him whimper when he struck the shaft and scream with abandon when he struck the head. Then he flung the flogger aside and dropped to his knees again, taking his beloved's cock in his mouth and sucking with all his skill. Spock's bloodied cock tasted like new pennies, and the knowledge of what this meant aroused him so intensely that he was afraid he'd come before Spock did, even though his own cock was getting no attention at all.  
  
An idea occurred to him, something he thought might make the experience better for Spock, and when he felt Spock getting close to orgasm, he lifted his mouth long enough to say, "I order you to come for me!" before sealing his lips back around his lover's cock and sucking for all he was worth. That was all it took, and Spock exploded down his throat, grasping the pole hard enough to leave finger dents in it and keening in a way that Jim had never heard before. It was enough to set Jim off, too, and he came harder than he'd thought he could in the absence of direct contact, before sliding down to rest in a sweaty heap at his lover's feet.  
  
Kirk cleared his throat so that he could speak. "You can let go of the pole now. Come down here and let me hold you."  
  
Spock let go of the pole and slid bonelessly to the floor, burying his face against Jim's neck and sighing. He clung to Jim with a neediness that was new to him, and Kirk petted his hair and murmured lovingly but wordlessly. After a few minutes, Kirk said, "I should give your back some first aid."  
  
"Later," Spock said. "I desire physical contact at the moment."  
  
"I'll hold you as long as you want," Kirk said. "I need it, too."  
  
They fell asleep holding each other.

* * *

  
 


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock talk about what things were like for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the sexual/BDSM action happens in Chapter 3; this chapter is all processing and schmoop. :-D

* * *

When Kirk awoke from his nap an hour later, it was to find Spock already up, redressed in his meditation robe, and reading his technical journal on the sofa near the fireplace. Jim stood up, crossed to the sofa, and sat down next to Spock. "How do you feel?" he asked.  
  
Spock put down his journal and turned slightly to face Jim. "Are you inquiring about my physical or my emotional state?"  
  
The Vulcan was admitting to _having_ an emotional state. Clearly, Jim should beat him more often. "Both, really," Kirk said, "But let's have the physical first, since it's probably less complicated."  
  
"I am well," Spock said. "I received only minor damage."  
  
Kirk chuckled. "It would probably seem like a lot of damage to most people, but given the things we've seen happen on landing parties, yeah, I guess a lot of bruises and a few cuts does seem like no big deal. But this wasn't a mission, and it didn't happen in the line of duty. These injuries, minor though they may seem, were intentionally inflicted by the man who claims to love you."  
  
"Which is why I knew you would require a report on my emotional state."  
  
"Let's have it, then."  
  
Spock looked calmly into Kirk's eyes. "I am aware that you expect that I will feel dismay. You also expect that my confidence in your love for me will have been shaken. Nothing could be further from the truth. We confronted a problem together, vanquished that problem together, and emerged victorious together, as we seem always to do when we combine forces." He quirked a teasing brow.  
  
"You think I'm making this a bigger deal than it has to be."  
  
"You are human. You swim continuously in a sea of emotion, and this is natural for you. It is not natural for me, and I had already considered all aspects of the situation long before we arrived here."  
  
"So you're saying that nothing that happened was a surprise. Everything went the way you expected it would."  
  
"Correct."  
  
"But that just means that you won't be feeling surprise. I don't believe that you felt nothing at all."  
  
"I am not claiming to have felt nothing; I claim merely to have felt no negative emotions. The experience did not leave me entirely unmoved." Spock steepled his fingers and looked slightly uncomfortable, as he always did when his own emotions were the topic of conversation. "I felt honored that you allowed me to see a side of you that you prefer not to show even to yourself. And I found serving you in this way to be physically painful but emotionally satisfying."  
  
"What about it was emotionally satisfying?"  
  
Spock stiffened slightly. "I am not certain that I can articulate the experience of a submissive in a way that will make sense to you. I have played both dominant and submissive roles, so I have direct personal experience of the satisfactions inherent in both. The submissive role is foreign to you, Jim, and you may need to simply accept that I did find the experience emotionally satisfying."  
  
Jim sighed. "Spock, I know you hate talking about your own feelings, and I really don't want to make you uncomfortable. God knows you've already given me plenty today. But I really can't accept vague reassurances. Can you try to explain, even a little?"  
  
Spock nodded. "Very well. Offering myself as the object of your sadism allowed me to give you something that I knew you would value, something that you would have found difficult to obtain elsewhere. It was a form of service that I knew you would find somewhat extreme, which meant that I believed that the value you would place on that service would be extreme as well." He looked directly at Kirk. "Pleasing you, gaining your approval, proving my devotion, those things afford me a form of satisfaction I find in nothing else."  
  
Kirk looked searchingly at his lover. "You're right that I don't quite understand it, but you've spent the past four years proving that it _is_ like that for you, so I accept it." He paused and thought for a moment, then spoke in a teasing tone. "And do I understand correctly, that the more I ask of you, the more difficult the feat I ask you to perform, the bigger a thrill it is for you?"  
  
That earned him an eyebrow. "Vulcans do not experience thrills, Jim."  
  
"All right, 'thrill' wasn't the right word. What did you call it, then — 'satisfaction'? The bigger the thing I ask you to do for me, the more satisfying it is for you?"  
  
Spock looked down and the tips of his ears flushed green. Jim wasn't sure whether to feel bad for embarrassing his lover or whether to feel that he'd never seen anything cuter. Spock took a breath and looked back up, stoic once more. "Within reason, Jim. And when the difficulty is inherent in the task and not artificially imposed, merely to increase the difficulty."  
  
"So, this actually was good for you? It wasn't all for me?"  
  
"No, Jim, it was not all for you. I do not enjoy pain, and I doubt that this will change, but suffering it as a service to you does satisfy something in me."  
  
Kirk relaxed, slumping on the sofa, not realizing quite how tensely he'd been wound up until the tension was gone.  
  
"And for you?" Spock looked at him carefully. "What was the experience like for you?"  
  
Kirk sat up and linked hands with Spock. "You were right about everything. Everything! I know you make a habit of it, but it still surprises me sometimes, just how often you're right." He began stroking Spock's hand with his first two fingers. "You're right that I'm not just a sadist; I'm also a dominant. I hadn't wanted to look at that, either, really, but while I was beating you, it became clear that I didn't just want to hurt you; I wanted you to be so much mine that I _could_ hurt you, that I could _claim_ you by hurting you. And having you be so thoroughly mine ... that was the best feeling in the world."  
  
Spock's face lit up. No actual facial muscle seemed to change position, and yet Kirk could feel the contentment radiating from him.  
  
Kirk went on, "And I felt known and loved and accepted for what I am, in a way that I've never felt before, not even with you. I hadn't realized how much keeping that shield up was costing me, until it came down. But it feels so incredibly right that you see all of me now."  
  
Spock inclined his head in his regal way. "Knowing and being known are the foundations of Vulcan marital relationships; such is inherent in relationships between telepaths. I found it disconcerting to have a part of you closed off from me and was certain that it was unnecessary. I am pleased to have the entirety of your mind available to me now."  
  
Kirk lifted his hand to Spock's face and caressed a gorgeous cheekbone. "It also made me appreciate you even more, not just that you were doing this for me, but your bravery, your devotion, your all-encompassing competence ... you take my breath away."  
  
" _Ashayam,_ " Spock said, as he turned his head and captured Kirk's fingers with his lips, kissing his way along the fingers until he reached Jim's palm.  
  
"Hey, don't distract me!" Jim said. "I'm going to tell you how wonderful it was no matter how embarrassed that makes you." He gave his best mischievous grin.  
  
"What I would like to know," Spock said dryly, "is the current status of your sadism. We had discovered a ... mental reservoir, if you will. Has that reservoir been drained?  
  
"Meld with me and find out," Kirk said, and Spock placed his fingers in position.  
  
Melding with Spock was glorious, as it always was, but Jim wasn't in the mood to stop and admire the scenery this time around; he wanted to show Spock the effects of what they had done. Together they traveled into the part of Kirk's mind where the reservoir of sadism had been, to find it nearly drained. Spock moved on to investigate Jim's emotional equilibrium and found him more relaxed, more centered, and more self-accepting.  
  
 _"Now you,"_ Kirk thought. He turned his emotional radar on the Vulcan, going to the place in his lover's mind where he'd found Spock's emotions in the past, then flung out a mental hand, to catch his metaphorical balance. Spock was _gleeful._ Everything had turned out exactly the way Spock had hoped it would, and the Vulcan was extremely proud of having brought Jim to the emotional place where Jim was now. His mental self was practically bouncing, he was so pleased with himself and so proud of Jim. Jim felt Spock become somewhat embarrassed at his own blatant emotionalism, for all that it was entirely internal, and Spock gently ended the meld.  
  
Outside of their joined minds, back in the external world, Spock's face was as impassive as ever, his voice calm and uninflected.  "We both believe it to have been an extremely successful encounter," Spock said. "You no longer have shame-based shields in your mind that could cause hostile telepaths to target this aspect of your personality, and your desires have been adequately expressed for the moment, so the frequency with which you place yourself into excessive danger should decline."  
  
Jim smiled ruefully. "Yes, Spock, everything went _exactly as you planned._ I did see, while doing my background reading, that everyone says that the submissive is the one who's _really_ in control of things. I can't help but feel that I'm only nominally in charge here."  
  
Spock quirked a brow. "Would you prefer to abandon the dominant's role for the submissive's, then? So that you can be 'really in charge'?"  
  
Jim laughed and held up a hand. "No, I'm good." He put on his best seductive grin and leaned closer to Spock. "But don't think I didn't notice what effect it had on you to be ORDERED to come!"  
  
Knowing that it would please his lover, Spock allowed himself to shudder, and Jim smiled merrily and pulled him into a steamy kiss.

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
